So many thoughts at once.

My friends said that I think a lot. Of course I think a lot, I analyze things all the time. But sometimes I just shut down and go to sleep, this did not happen at night, this happened in the afternoon. Hahaha. Yeah I sleep during lunch hour about once a week so I could survive another 12 hours handling my son and being a pregnant mummy. I can't wait to get my driving license after baby no 2 gets out so I can sleep at home. Go home on time and sleep. That sounds good.

Thinking is my hobby and so are implusive buys. Yeah I don't think when I shop, I just buy things as long as there is space for it and balance money for food and taxi home. This is an unhealthy habit and I better correct it before I lose to bankruptcy. Sigh, growing old and earning your own money is not fun anymore especially when you have to constantly do a check and balance now and then. But as a mommy of one and an incoming two, I have to start being savvioer and thriftier around money, and do smart shoppings. 

Since I got pregnant and started wearing the same items each week, I think I have a new found understanding in shopping. Always opt for quality rather than buying cheap clothes. My husband gave me an allowance to buy half of my maternity wear for baby no 2. I bought 6 tops, 2 pants and a skirt for work. Then after I reached my 24th week I ordered a maternity measured baju kurung. My MIL gave me a baju kurung and a maternity gown the other day. But I had to wear my maternity skirt under it because it was short and showed my ankles. Surely I can survive life post baby by wearing the same stuff or recycle what I have. 

I was born a thinker, always thinking about life. I had to. When I was small I had this one person seemingly always treating me like an enemy. He liked to say negative things to me and never say anything positive, of which I can use as motivation. As a result I grew up not knowing what positive thoughts are, I was always scared and tend to overthink. 

Ok, I have outgrown that fearful phase of life. I am braver now. Hey, I am scared sometimes but not all the time. When I was less than 17 years old, I was scared most times like talking to people or when making new friends. I don't do small talks. Now I select my friends and people who don't matter to me are left behind. I remember a friend who only came to visit my dorm when she was on her way from some event which everyone had to go, otherwise it would be me who visits her. These friends are the ones we call 'berat bontot', they must have butt which weighed a tonne.

I realize that people who change themselves into a super version of what other people think they couldn't be possibly be, are rare. Like this Jolene girl, she has a tough upbringing and her dad left the family just before she sat for her SPM. But she is a lawyer today and is a very positive person.

And I realize that I have to shed all my fears which haunted me since I was small. I drove my life to where I am now and I should be able to steer it right where I want it, or at least to a better state than now. So basically I am at fault for not having a driver's license at 32. Sigh... 

But as a muslim there are things which we must accept as our qada' and qadar. Like when we die or when we get married, because those have been fated by Allah SWT. We can only pray to die while being in the right path it seems. But life on earth is temporary so we must aim for life in the after life. Live like you will die tomorrow or something like that.

It's time to go home but I must write this before I chow. A friend told me that  she is interested in adopting, although her family hasn't actually agreed on this. She is single, a government officer in her early 30s and she said her maternal clock is ticking. I said I knew someone who could help and if Allah grants her wish, there could be a baby for her someday, from somewhere. Then I realized that I had been talking about a child like they are trade items, like "you want one? I can get you one". It's not very nice considering that babies are humans and has rights too. But seeing that people still continue to dump newborns in toilets and public places, I think it's ok albeit doing it the lawful way to save a baby from being sent to an orphanage. May God help her love a child not of her own.

Ok that's all. More to blab tomorrow.


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