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Why?

I was reading a book, a compilation of inspiring stories for women which was supposed to warm the female hearts when I came upon a story which made me hot and burning all over. The story is about a mother who went to her single friend's house. She looked around and noticed how neat and organized her friend's house was compared to her chaotic family house and so, felt sorry for herself. But when she got back to her home and saw her children's pile of clothes, crayon drawings on the refrigerator door and her two dogs in the bathroom she immediately realized how full her life is and felt sorry for her single friend's 'neat house' instead.

How many times have I heard about how a woman who are not married like her friends, not having a child at an age when everyone else is, but instead living a spinster life well into her 30s - is at a loss. Of a friend who tells a single friend "Get married soon, it's fun!"

I am betrothed recently while my friend is single and suddenly she became a favourite target for everyone to ask "When will your turn be?" or "when will you get married?" As a friend I feel like slapping everybody for asking that question. You would feel like that too if your friend is being targeted for something everyone else think she should do just because I am about to do. Please do not impose your rule on her or I'll bitch slap you.

For my friend. Some people even suggested that she should be more ladylike and so could attract a lot of men and be married as quick as our same aged friends. That person also said point blank to her "You are beautiful yourself, someone will notice you soon and swept off your feet." And what? Be married and live happily ever after? Marriage is not a race and nobody can dictate when you will get married or when you will meet that mr right.

The way these people ask about marriage feels more like an interrogation rather than a simple "hello? how's your life? what's hapening there?" Marriage is after all a private thing. Do you ask your friend why they choose that boyfriend as a partner instead of some other guy? NO, right? We said it behind her because we do not want to look like a fool for trying to arrange someone's life. But when it's about marriage you fire away point blank like a machine gun.

The annoying interrogation does not just end there. They will fire five questions in a set with no follow up answers which makes bitch slapping them like a right thing to do.

When is your turn?
Have you ever had a boyfriend before?
How long have you been together?
Are you going to marry him?
When will that be?
Where is he now?
When did you get to know him?

For me after the third probing question I was already fire burning in the dance floor.

Hello there, don't try to lead me into a tango here. Just sit and stare.

These people have to realize that the question does not just end there. There will be a lot more I'm sure. The first question after marriage will be "When are you going to have a child? When will the next child be? Thirty years down the line... "When will you have a grandchild?"

One recently married colleague who was soon two months pregnant asked me.
"How long are you with that guy? Why are you not married after being together for so long? Married life is great as you will have a companion for the rest of your life and getting married early gives you a chance at getting a child early"

Because I felt like being bombarded with missiles I answered biatchily, Who needs companion when I have a housemate at home and a boyfriend outside? Not one but two! Some would say a sorry answer but waddahel.

Back to the story. How can you feel full when you feel pity for a friend who has a life her own way. Okayla sometimes when I felt like my world is falling apart and noticed that others have a worse day than mine, my world would feel a lot brighter. But this kind of happiness is temporary.

I have learned these few years that only I can make me permanently happy. Putting your happiness on something else or expect someone else to make you happy will only destroy you.

Imposing your life rules on someone else is also not nice. Play nicela. Everyone has a different life pace. Be married now or then, have a child now or then.

Marriage is after all fate and in the hands of God.

If you are feeling sorry for a friend who lives, breathe and did nothing to offend you by being single and not get married is an offense. The deed is done by saying "Just be patient and you will meet that guy one day" when all she did was answer "Not my time right now". It's like giving her discounts when she does not need any. It's a pressure thing.

When all these voices combined they become the community's voice. They pressure you to conform to the ideals and shaming you into being the outcast. It is akin to saying "just follow the crowd". People's opinion change in a blink of an eye and so does the wind.

But people like this will continue to haunt all the single ladies out there with their missiles and guns.

9 comments:

lily azliyana @ mama zara said...

haha..biasela..org melayu mmg peramah..thats why keluar soklan2 maut mcm tu. rasenye sume org pon ade experience kot. mcm aku skang, even dh kahwin, ada anak pon, still kena serang ngan soklan 'bile nk tmbah anak??'..soo buat bodoo jekla..just senyum n simpan jawapan sorang2..=p

nway, for a married woman mcm aku, aku suka stori psl married woman vs single woman yg ko mentioned tuh..mmg kkdg org yg dh kahwin rase iri kat org2 single sbb hidup single lebih bebas. but bile balik rumah, tgk muka anak, tros ilang sume perasaan tu..maybe later ko leh alami sndiri kot..hehe

azyze said...

nadh,
thank you so much for writing this. ko dah tulis apa yang terbuku di hati aku.

in more ways than one, aku berada dalam keadaan yang sama dengan 'your friend'. most of my close friends dah kahwin. aku bukan sahaja tak kawen lagi, aku siap single, agak stable dan berperangai di luar perangai perempuan seumur aku. well, at least, in dressing myself plus misic selection/social circle aku la.

if tanya bila nak kawen tu soalan standard, kenapa kena susuli dengan "ko pernah ada boyfriend ke tak before this?"

i find this really really rude. Aku pernah terus buat muka menyampah and terus excuse myself from the person yang tanya tu. kenapa, kalau aku single, maknanya aku tak pernah bercinta ke? wtf memang rage lah kan.

I'm linking this post on my blog. biar lebih banyak orang baca dan faham.

ouT oF My MinD said...

azyze:
that person is me. honestly.
Bila dia ambush aku dgn soalan camtu, aku skrng try to avoid her wherever i can.

sblum nad tunang, soalan dia biasa2 je. tp lepas nad dah satu langkah ke alam perkahwinan, mulalah dia start buat statement itu ini. wht the hell kan.

tp yg paling aku sakit hati bila soalan dia "takkan awak tak pernah bercinta sblum nie?" aku terus macam bengang giler. Mau je aku sumpah dia....
what The hell kan. takkan lah semua life aku nak cita kat ko.

tp itulah jadi single nie slalu di pandang rendah oleh orang. benci. padahal aku sgt happy dgn life aku.
dan aku sendiri memilih utk jd single. terima kasih.

mizzyN said...

sama-sama.

Byha said...

people (not all) just love to be bitches & bastards. i think they love seeing other people suffer, so they ask questions to make that certain someone menggelupur & feel bad about themself. then they are happy on other people's suffering. sgt keji kan?

i was one of the certain someone who was bombarded with questions. some are just nice to get to know things about me, while the rest apparently just want to show of how good their life is & how much i'm missing the so called life opportunity.

i'm married now. when i was about to get married, going through the check lists, going here & there, pejabat agama, wedding boutiques, nilai 3 & all, i thought these people would be happy for me. some of them do, but some of them surprisingly decided to be bastards & bitches.

pain in the ass! bcoz they didnt know the real me. i was quiet, rather keep the juicy bits for me, family & love ones. i just dont think these people need not to know. i was right.

to cut things short, my wedding had revealed people who are on me & my parents' side, who they really are & what they think of us. my father was really disappointed, my mother too but in silence.

i thought weddings make everyone happy, but the ones who are making so much noise are the unhappy lot when you finally answered their questions.

i enjoyed my wedding, the truth is i enjoy seeing this people trying to sabotage my feelings & they fail, the look of their faces when i'm ready with my makeup & wedding dress & veil, when they cant lift a muscle to smile.

so be happy with yourself & the people around you.

mizzyN said...

tah!

apllauding u kak byha!
to these people who were always 'right', thank you for all your caring attitudes.

thoyol said...

wow...

feminisme in the house..

hehe.. as a male, luckily I'm not that affected by the Q's..

azyze said...

encik thoyol, ni bukan feminisme. ni kenyataan yang juga menyusahkan orang lelaki a.k.a bapak2 orang.

bila anak kawan2 dah kawen, diorang pun terkujat juga nak jawab soalan kawan2 "anak hang bila lagi?"

mungkin tak kena masa muda2 ni, tapi satu hari nanti ia akan menghinggapi kamu juga... bila bergelar bapa.

Byha said...

seperti yg dialami bapak gwe ;p

hELLO

hELLO
:D

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